A not so distant morning past, another physician and I happened to get in the elevator together on our way into the hospital. I didn’t know her, and she didn’t know me, I had never seen her before, and I have never seen her since. “Morning, how are you?” I asked without enthusiasm, the usual, unoriginal greeting I would give to any stranger and most of my acquaintances. She looked at me, and after a long pause, replied, “… Eh… Okay…” with equal parts doubt, dread, and lack of enthusiasm.
Before greeting her, I had taken a quick look at her hospital badge, which listed her department. I would have imagined that her field was generally filled with tear filled moments of joy and hope each day, during which all the wrongs of the world are forgotten for a brief moment in time. I’m not sure why I had naively assumed that certain specialties were less immune to overwhelm than others.
In that moment, I knew she was telling me, a total stranger, that she wasn’t okay. And what’s more, I knew that I wasn’t okay either. I looked back at her, and said with complete seriousness “Yeah, I know… Hang in there.” “You too,” she replied. The elevator doors opened, and for a second we exchanged the smallest of smiles (or at least I imagine, underneath our masks) as we walked separately into the hospital, preparing to face the day ahead.
We were strangers, totally uninvested in one another’s lives and it would have been easy to wear the mask of bravado with the customary “Good!” in response to my morning greeting. But that one fleeting moment, the veil was lifted. It struck me then, that health care workers are so not okay, that we can’t even try to hide how not okay we are anymore.
DISCLAIMER.
I can’t pretend to have any of the answers. I wish that every blog post would have some hopeful element or offer practical solutions to anyone feeling similarly, but I can’t see that they will. I guess that’s just not in my nature, or at least just not where I am in my personal and professional journey at this particular moment.
But for those of you who are struggling or hurting, I highly encourage you to seek help. I’m lucky enough to have an incredible support system in my family, a number of close friends who are my rides or die, and a few trustworthy colleagues who I can commiserate with. I have definitely sought counseling at particularly hard points, either through whatever Employee Assistance Program was available to me through work, or various therapists that I have either paid for out of pocket for or had largely covered through health insurance.
I’m also a Christian. And while I can’t claim to be the most amazing example of a Christian, and fall short EVERY SINGLE DAY, I still rely on my faith to keep me in focus when I’m feeling despair.